John Waters

John Waters, 62, grew up in Baltimore. He began making silent 8mm and 16mm films in the mid-60s, before making the notorious Pink Flamingos in 1972. He made many low-budget shockers until his commercial breakthrough with Hairspray in 1988; it was later adapted for the stage, and remade as a major Hollywood movie. He will perform his one-man show, This Filthy World, at Hammersmith Apollo, London, on Thursday.

When were you happiest?
Chasing after fire engines as a child with my dad and watching neighbours' houses burn to the ground.

What is your greatest fear?
Losing my mind and not knowing it.

What is your earliest memory?
The radio soap, The Romance Of Helen Trent, that my mom used to listen to.

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Johnny Mathis - he is so perfect.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Impatience.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Judgmental without investigation.

Aside from a property, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?
It's bad taste to brag about money.

What is your most treasured possession?
My health.

What would your super power be?
To be able to fly - anything to avoid Heathrow.

What makes you depressed?
People's bad luck.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I've had a bad hair life.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
All my friends who died of Aids.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Chewing toothpicks.

What is your favourite smell?
Poppers.

What is your favourite word?
'Pernicious'.

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
I'd never go to a costume party - I have to dress as John Waters every day.

What is the worst thing anyone's said to you?
'Do you have a hobby?' It was a journalist. I went into a tirade: 'How dare you presume I'm a dabbler!'

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
I'm not guilty about any of my pleasures.

What do you owe your parents?
Gratitude for making me feel safe.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
To my teachers in high school - that I didn't punch them in the mouth for discouraging all my interests.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I think my friends' love is the best - it lasts the longest.

What does love feel like?
A wonderful, terribly exciting disease.

What was the best kiss of your life?
Well, he's now married to a girl, so I better hadn't kiss and tell.

Which living person do you most despise, and why?
Religious leaders who don't mind their own business.

What is the worst job you've done?
I worked in a unisex clothes store for three days. Girls would say, 'Do I look fat in this?' I'd say, 'Yes.' I was fired.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?
To Johnny Rae's first big concert.

How do you relax?
I read, I drink and I hang out in monster bars in Baltimore.

How often do you have sex?
Whenever I'm in Baltimore and can make someone laugh.

What is the closest you've come to death?
Just thinking about unsafe sex.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
An unreadable wig.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
That I live a life with no contact with arseholes.

What keeps you awake at night?
Nothing, I can sleep everywhere but an aeroplane.

What song would you like played at your funeral?
Don't Play Me Cheap, sung by Tina Turner when she was still with Ike.

How would you like to be remembered?
As a funny guy who surprised you once in a while.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
A 'no' is free.

Tell us a joke.
I hate jokes, I like wit.

Tell us a secret.
I've never seen Star Wars.